


Long Live Our Love

by HavenStan12 (QueenOfTheFandoms)



Series: Dalton Big Bang 2020 [2]
Category: Dalton Academy Series
Genre: F/F, F/M, Historical, M/M, Multi, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Period Typical Bigotry, Period-Typical Homophobia, Slurs, Vietnam War, draft dodging
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25350877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfTheFandoms/pseuds/HavenStan12
Summary: Spencer Willis and Merril Portman fall in love during the Vietnam War.If only everything else could be that simple.
Relationships: Charles Amos/Justin Bancroft, Merril Portman/Spencer Willis, Shane Anderson/Reed Van Kamp
Series: Dalton Big Bang 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1835869
Comments: 18
Kudos: 9





	1. Past, Present, and Future

**Author's Note:**

  * For [senator_princess_general](https://archiveofourown.org/users/senator_princess_general/gifts).



> This fic's orgins are in mid May, when Bridget sent the message 'Thinking about a Sperril AU set in the late 60s with Spencer and Merril as anti-Vietnam War activists' in the Dalton discord and I proceeded to talk about it for 3 hours. This one's for you, Bridget.

The year was 1966, and Spencer Willis stood in the middle of a protest.

Sometimes he thought about the things that had led him here. Six months ago, he'd been a normal Kent State student. He hadn't been at any of the protests going on, but that had all changed when a couple of kids had explained how little sense it had made for them to even be in the war still. Spencer had been raised to always respect the military, but the war had been going on for nearly half his life, and the government's promise that the war would end soon obviously meant nothing. And that was what brought him here today, in the middle of a crowd listening to a speech.

“...This war has been going on for eleven years. Eleven. Years. For a lot of us, that's half our lives, if not more! I was twelve years old when my dad left to fight in this war. The government said it would only last a few months. My dad died in Vietnam, and now they want me too! They want us to smile and go fight in their war. I'm not about to fight in the same war my dad died in. Will we give them what they want?”

The crowd roared back a resounding no.

“That’s right! We won’t fight in their war!”

The crowd cheered, but it quickly turned into booing when a police officer pushed his way onto the stage and shoved the man speaking aside.

“Show’s over folks. Disperse.”

The crowd’s booing got louder as everyone was pushed closer to the stage.

“I. Said. Disperse.”

Spencer’s classmates stood firm, and he stood with them. Onstage, the police officer whistled.

“I did warn you. Get ‘em, boys.”

Without warning, shouts were heard as the police forced their way into the crowd.

“Scatter!”

Someone hooked onto his arm, the way they’d been taught, and Spencer took off, mystery person in tow. He ran as the (shorter, he assumed) person struggled to keep up. He turned down side alleys he had memorized, and soon enough he’d managed to make his way to his apartment without the cops on his tail. After locking the door, he took a deep breath before turning around to look at the person he'd dragged into his apartment.

His eyelashes were the first thing he noticed, which were long and pretty like a girl's. His eyes were a deep brown. He was only a few inches shorter than him, with long brunette hair pulled into a ponytail. His clothes were slightly ill-fitting, as if he'd borrowed them from a friend.

"Hey. Sorry for busting into your apartment."

Spencer laughed and offered him a hand.

"It's no problem. I'm Spencer."

The boy took the offered hand and shook it.

"Merril."

Spencer started to head towards the kitchen.

"Do you want anything to drink? Water, tea...Beer?"

The boy's gentle laugh sent something fluttering in his stomach.

"I didn't realize there were men who knew how to make tea."

Spencer couldn't help but laugh.

"A friend I went to boarding school with was born and raised in England. He threatened to have my head if I didn't know how to make a proper cup of tea."

He headed for the kitchen, and Merril followed him.

"What's this English Gentleman friend of yours like?"

It took everything in him not to collapse in laughter.

"Oh, Justin? He's pretty cool. He was kind of a delinquent when we met, but he's mellowed out."

He nodded, amused.

“And you two get along well, I assume?”

Spencer nodded eagerly.

“Oh definitely! We were roommates for awhile in school. He’s one of my best friends. He’s at Oxford right now, and I miss him a bunch.”  
The tea kettle started to whistle, and Spencer moved it off the stove and poured them both cups. He handed Merril his and pretended not to notice that his legs were crossed.

“Oh, he must be really smart.”

Spencer shrugged.

“Oh, sure, but he mostly went because his parents wanted him to. They want him to find a pretty little wife and pop out a few kids. Well, jokes on them-”

He froze. Had he really almost blurted his best friend’s secret to a stranger? He coughed awkwardly. It was so easy to talk to this Merril guy, especially with his smile.

“I think that’s enough about this Justin fellow. What about you?”

Spencer opened his mouth to answer but was interrupted by the ringing telephone.

“Sorry, hold on a second.”

He walked over to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Spencer!”

Charlie? He was supposed to be at work and didn’t carry change for the payphone. He shouldn’t be calling, unless…

“Charlie? What’s going on, man? Shouldn’t you be working?”

“It’s Danny!”

Spencer felt his heart stop.

“W-what about Danny? Is h-he alright?”

Danny was the closest he had to a little brother. If he was in trouble, then…

“He got drafted, man! He has to go fight overseas!”

He choked back a sob.

“A-Are you coming b-b-back to-tonight?”

He couldn’t see his nod, but he heard it.

“Yeah. I’ll be home soon.”

Spencer nodded back, forgetting that he couldn’t see him.

“Sounds g-g-g-good. See ya.”

The call ended with a click.

“Is everything okay? You’re shaking.”

He flinched. He’d forgotten Merril was still there. He turned back around.

“Uh, a friend got d-d-d-”

God, he couldn’t even say it.

“...he’s going to fight.”

Merril’s face changed to one of horror.

“Oh wow, I’m-I’m so sorry.”

He nodded.

“Yeah…”

The other boy put down his cup.

“I’m sure the police have left by now, and I don’t want to impose too much-”

It took a moment for his words to process.

“Wait-No, don’t feel like you have to leave. I’m sorry, I made this weird…”

Merril laid a hand on his shoulder.

“No, You didn’t, I promise. I just...I know how hard this is. I just want to give you space. Besides, I do have some homework to finish.”

Spencer nodded.

“Right, right. I’ll see you on campus?”

Merril’s smile seemed a little forced, but maybe he was imagining things. 

“Right. Good night, Spencer.”

“Night, Merril.”

With a wave, he opened the door and stepped out.

Despite the overwhelming fear he felt, he couldn't help but smile a little. Merril had a way of putting him at ease, and while he wasn’t sure what that meant, he had a feeling he was going to need all the ease he could get.


	2. It's Easier To Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merril's pretty sure she's met the man of her dreams, and plans on spending most of her shift daydreaming about him. However, things don't go to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a tough one for poor Merril. This was actually originally a lot rougher, but I couldn't put her through her through that. TW for transphobia and the T slur.

Merril could barely resist the urge to skip home.

However, she’d get jumped if she did, and she didn’t have time to clean cuts and bruises. She hurried home, feeling her heart pound in her chest the entire way there. She hadn’t felt this way about anyone for a long time, not since…

“Merril, you’ll be late!” 

She slammed the door behind her.

“I know, thank you Sammy!”

She put down her bag on her bed before searching for her work bag.

“Sammy, have you seen-”

“It’s under your bed!”

She leaned over and dragged her bag from under her bed.

“Thank you!”

She checked her bag to make sure everything she needed was in it. Then she sighed.

“Spencer…”

How did she describe him? He was absolutely beautiful. Yes, he referred to her as a guy and thought she also went to Kent State, but that could be fixed. As soon as she knew he could be trusted, she’d tell him. He just felt trustworthy. 

“Merril! You need to go!”

She jumped up and grabbed her bag.

“Right! If I’m not home by six, call the bar!”

Her roommate made a noncommittal noise as she hurried past. She wasn’t worried, she knew he would call if she wasn’t walking through the door at 5:55. They hadn’t been friends for nearly ten years for nothing. She quickly made her way to the club, clutching her bag like a weapon. If she was any later than she already was, Mel would have an actual reason to fire her.

“You’re late, Miss Fantastic.”

She kissed the bodyguard on the cheek.

“Hiya, Frankie baby.”

He slapped her on the ass as she walked past.

“Be ready to be on that stage in thirty minutes and I won’t say anything to the boss.”

She gave him a wide smile to hide her wince.

“Of course. Thank ya, Baby.”

She blew him a kiss before heading to the dressing room. She was always conflicted about his behavior, but at least he treated her like a woman.

“Nice of you to join us, Miss Fantastic.”

She sighed inwardly, but smiled regardless. Nadia London was aggravating and nosey, but she was an older queen and deserved respect.

“Good evening, Miss London.”

“Let me guess, ended up running from cops after one of your little “protests” again? I swear, one of these days you’ll get hurt and that’ll be the end of you performing here-”

“I-I-I had a date, actually.”

She didn’t know why she said that. She couldn’t believe she’d said that. And neither could Nadia, as she raised an eyebrow.

“Oh? Who, what, and where?”

There was only one man who came to mind.

“His name is Spencer, he’s a Kent State student, and yes, we met at a protest.”

Nadia snorted as she stood up.

“Ah. Schoolboy curiosity, I remember those days. He’ll have moved on by the end of the year, but enjoy it while it lasts.”

She furiously rubbed at eyes as Nadia exited. At least she hadn’t seen her cry. She checked her watch and swore. She had to stop crying, now. She took a few breaths before going to wipe her face. Her eyes would be puffy, but there wasn’t much she could do about it. She sat down and quickly got to work on her makeup. This was her favorite part of the job. Watching the person she was on the inside escape to the outside was a comforting sight, and she often spent her entire day looking forward to the few hours she got to be herself.

“Natalie, you’re on in ten!”

She swallowed as she nodded.

“Thank you, ten.”

If getting ready was her favorite part, then performing was by far her least. However, it did beat being out in the streets at one in the morning. At least pretending to be a drag queen got her beat up a lot less. As she let her hair down and brushed it, she sighed in happiness. This would be a good night, she could feel it.

This was not a good night.

Halfway through her performance, the police had raided the bar and arrested nearly everyone there. She had been handcuffed and forced to her knees, and ordered to stay there. Now, her dress was dirty and her left knee had bled through her stockings. As much as she tried to resist it, she cried a little.

“Aww, is the little tranny crying?”

Stupid. Fucking. Cops.

“That’s the last one. Load ‘em up, boys.”

She was picked up and tossed into the police van without much fanfare. She scooted until she was pressed to the wall, and curled into herself. She didn’t move or speak, even as they arrived at the county jail and she was pulled out of the van. She was silent as they booked her, as they brought her to a men’s cell, and not even with everyone else in the cell glaring at her. The cop laughed as he strolled away. She curled up as much as she could.

“What? Not gonna say anything, sissy?”

She just curled up tighter. Her hair was yanked at. It hurt, but she didn’t move. She knew they’d eventually get bored if she didn’t react, but she hated that she’d come out of this with some bruises.

“C’mon tranny. Come have some fun with us.”

There were hands on her shoulders. She shook them off but otherwise didn’t react.

“You like men, don’t you? I know y-”

“Get your hands off of her this instant!” 

Merrier peeked through her hair. Nadia stood in the doorway, glaring at the men around her. The guard rolled his eyes.

“Keep it moving.”

He called her a name neither of them cared to repeat. She flinched, but Nadia held firm.

“I will not leave a young lady alone with these men!”

The guard sighed and released her.

“You can stay here then.”

She was shoved inside, and the bars were slammed behind her. She huffed but walked over to Merril. 

“Shoo, Neanderthals.” 

The men grumbled but moved. Nadia sat next to her and rested a hand on her shoulder.

“You doing okay?”

She shrugged.

“It’s okay sweetie. I’m here.”

As Nadia wrapped her arms around her, she couldn’t help but start crying. Nadia smoothed down her hair.

“I know, sweetheart. Let it all out.” 

She sniffed but attempted a smile.

"Thank you, Miss London."

The older queen shook her head

"It's Nadia. And don't mention it."

The two of them sat like that for what felt like hours until a guard returned.

"Merril Portman?"

She shifted out of Nadia's arms and stood up.

"That's me."

The guard opened the bars just enough to let her out, and she followed him down the hallway until they reached the phone room.

"You have five minutes. Use them wisely."

Merril immediately dialed the number to her apartment and prayed that her roommate would pick up.

"Hello?"

Oh, thank you.

"Sammy, the bar got raided by police and I'm in jail. I need you to bail me out."

"What?"

She shifted impatiently.

"The bar was raided, and-"

"No, I got it, I was just shocked. Are you okay in there?"

She considered her words carefully. She didn't want him worrying too much.

"...I am now."

She heard him sigh.

"I'll be there first thing in the morning. Stay s-"

The line went dead with a click. There was no way that was five minutes. She looked over at the guard to say something about it, but the expression on his face made her change her mind.

"I'm ready to go back to my cell now."

He opened the door for her, and the two of them stepped out and started down the hall. The way he looked at her was creeping her out, so she did her best to look straight ahead. As soon as the bars of her cell were open, she hurried in and sat back next to Nadia.

"Simon Rodney?"

Nadia stood up.

"I'll be right back, Nat."

She walked off with the guard, she was left alone. She expected to be harassed once again, but several of the guys had fallen asleep and the few that were awake didn't seem to think she was worth it. She was glad to be left alone until Nadia returned in what felt like an eternity later.

"Are you okay? Did anyone bother you?"

She nodded, then shook her head. The older queen looked relieved.

"Why are you being so nice to me, Miss - Nadia? I thought you didn't like me."

Nadia laughed a little.

"I didn't. But seeing you curled up like that... you looked so young. It reminded me of myself fifteen years ago. There was no one to help me, so I swore that I would never ignore another queen who needed help. I realized I was treating you unfairly. I'm sorry."

Merril shook her head.

"It's okay. I wasn't mad or anything." 

She laughed.

“Sure. I respect you trying.” 

The lights went out.

“Goodnight, gentlemen.”

Merril huffed as she climbed into a bed.

“Night, Nadia.

“Goodnight, Natalie.”

Merril didn’t expect to fall asleep, but within a few minutes, she was out.

Fuck, he was late.

Sammy had said he’d be there first thing to bail Merril out, but he’s overslept. Oh god, she was going to kill him. He finally reached the front desk.

“Hi, how can I help you today?”

He did his best to keep his huffing and puffing to a minimum.

“I’m here to see about bailing my friend out.”

He flashed the receptionist a smile. The women all loved his slightly crooked smile. It seemed to work at least a little, as she returned it.

“And who would that be?”

He leaned in a little closer, to make The Smoulder more effective.

“Merril Portman?”

She giggled as she started to go through a stack of files on her desk. Nearby, a woman walked out of a door and was immediately embraced by people who looked to be in their late teens and early twenties. He was distracted by a binder being slammed closed.

“Merril Portman was booked last night, so his bail is currently two hundred dollars.”

He nearly passed out. Two hundred dollars? He didn’t have that kind of money!

"Two hundred dollars?"

The woman was starting to look annoyed.

"Yes." 

He was freaked. They wouldn’t have money for rent if he paid bail upfront. Maybe they had a payment plan-

“I’ll pay it.”

His head whipped around to look at the woman behind him. The people around her looked at her in alarm.

“But, mother-”

She held a hand up.

“Any friend of Natalie is a friend of mine. I’ll pay it.”

She walked up to the counter, pulled out her purse, and gave the woman the cash. Then, she turned to him and smiled.

“Tell her Nadia will see her at work in two weeks.”

With that she walked off, surrounded by the youth at her heels like puppies. He stared after her in shock, until the sound of his name being called shook him out of it. He turned around, and Merril was walking towards him. She opened her arms, and he met her in the middle and wrapped his arms around her.

“Thank you, Sam.”

He wanted to tell her how afraid he’d been when she’d called, how he couldn’t sleep, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Instead, he looked her in the eye, and he knew she’d gotten the message.

“Come on, we’re getting breakfast. I have to tell you about the guy I met at the protest.”


	3. Out In The Streets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another Thursday means another protest, and another day of Spencer trying to figure out his relationship with Merril.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry in advance. Please don't kill me.
> 
> Some things to note:
> 
> -We have our first time jump! This takes place about a month after the last.
> 
> -Yeah this is gonna be alternating povs. And what about it.
> 
> Alright that's it enjoy y'all

Spencer stepped into the library with a sigh. Noisey as always. He didn’t usually study here, but it was Thursday, which meant-

“Spencer! Over here!”

He looked over to see Merril waving at him. With a grin, he walked over to sit across from him. Somehow, they’d managed to always study together on Thursdays. Usually, they met at his apartment, but on protest days they met in the library instead. It was the only day he saw him. He had thought it was odd at first, but when Merril had explained that he was getting his teaching degree he figured they just had opposite schedules due to him being an art major.

“Her, Mer. How was your week?”

The slightly smaller boy smiled at him.

“Not too bad! Work opened up for the first time since the robbery, so I have money to buy food with.”

He laughed a little, but his smile didn’t quite meet his eyes. That concerned Spencer. The boy was already smaller than he should be.

“Well, you know you’re always invited to dinner if Charlie’s cooking.”

Merril waved a hand.

“I’m fine, but thanks, Spence.”

He shrugged, letting it go for now.

“No problem. Now, can you explain this math problem to me?”

He nodded, and Spencer opened his bag to pull out his math homework. 

The two of them stood in the crowd, watching in awe as the guys onstage burned their draft cards.

"We could do that."

Spencer nodded in agreement.

"Yeah. Too bad I'd never have the courage."

Merril raised an eyebrow at him.

"You're braver than you know, Spence."

He smiled back at his friend.

“Thanks, Merril.”

He nodded back. 

“You don’t have to thank me for telling the truth.”

Slowly, men stepped up one by one to burn their draft cards. Despite the fire, it was peaceful and quiet as the entire crowd watched. As the fire was distinguished, a cheer rose in the crowd and washed over them like a wave. The sense of unity was powerful. Something that powerful couldn’t last and the entire crowd was unsurprised that police came to end it. As Spencer and Merril raced towards his apartment, they quickly realized that the alleyway was blocked by police cars.

“Shit! What do we do?”

Merril took a deep breath.

“My place. Uptown police wouldn’t go near it.”

Spencer frowned. He’d never been to Merril’s apartment. He wasn’t even sure he remembered him talking about it before.

“Are you sure?”

He gave a grim nod.

“Do you trust me?”

He started running in the other direction without waiting for an answer, leaving Spencer with no choice but to follow. They ran for a while, out of Uptown, and towards the shabbier parts of the city. He had figured that Merril’s place wasn’t as nice as his, but as they climbed the (tiny) stairs to his apartment, he couldn’t help but feel a bit of guilt at how much he had compared to the boy he now considered a friend. His parents paid for his apartment and school, with the agreement that he’d go fight if he was drafted. Merril...didn’t seem to have that. 

Finally, they got to his room, and three doors down from the stairway stood his apartment.

“Do you do this every day?”

Merril nodded, half distracted by trying to get the door open.

“Elevator doesn’t work half the time.”

He finally got the door open, and the two of them stepped inside. It was a bit nicer than he was expecting if he was being honest with himself.

“Nice place.”

Merril snorted.

“Don’t bend over backward to complement the place. Do you want anything to drink? I know we have coffee, water, and tea. I might have Kool-Aid too? Let me look.”

He wandered into the kitchen.

“Make yourself comfortable.”

Spencer heeded his words and sat on the couch in the nearby room. Minutes later Merril came back with a pitcher and two cups.

“Volia, Kool-Aid! I wasn’t sure which you’d want, so I made Fruit Punch.”

He nodded and took the cup handed to him.

“Thanks. And for the record, Cherry is my favorite.”

Merril shook his head, amused.

“Duly noted.”

Merril sat across from him, and the two of them just sat and talked. Spencer talked about his family, and Merril talked about how watching his mom bake made him fall in love with it. They both talked about how much gym class sucked. Merril talked about how much he wanted to take ballet as a kid, and Spencer talked about how much he wished he could be the son his father wanted. Throughout it all, Spencer ignored the butterflies that had invaded his stomach. He wasn’t a homosexual, was he? He suspected the boy in front of him might have been, but he couldn’t think of himself as one. He wasn’t one of those limp-wristed pretty boys. He’d been on his school’s baseball team, for God’s sake! Then again, so had Charlie, and he had fallen for-

“Spencer? You alright?”

He blinked a few times, having forgotten where he was for a second.

“I’m fine.”

He just needed a breather. A second to himself. That helped when he was overthinking.

“Hey, where’s your bathroom?”

He gestured to the hallway.

“Down the hall, second door on the left.”

Spencer nodded.

“Thanks.”

With that, he headed down the hallway, struggling not to let his thoughts consume him. Then, he realized he’d forgotten what Merril had said, exactly. Was it the first door on the right? He thought so. He opened the door and realized it was a bedroom. He went to close it, but out of the corner of his eye spotted a familiar piece of fabric. He moved around the corner of a dresser, and his suspicions were confirmed. It was the same dress Sydney had worn to last year’s Fourth of July celebration. He was confused. What was a dress doing here?”

“Spencer.”

He spun around, and Merril was leaning against the doorway. He rubbed his shoulder unconsciously.

“Sorry Mer, I got a little turned around.”

He laughed lightly.

“Pretty dress. Is it your sister’s?”

Merril seemed to find the floor fascinating.

“No.”

He nodded, trying to understand.

“Ah. Your girlfriend’s, then.”

Merril finally looked back at him, pale as a sheet.

“No.”

Spencer raised an eyebrow.

“You’re telling me you don’t have a girlfriend? Handsome guy like you?”

The smaller boy flinched.

“Spencer.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, man. My sister has a bunch of friends, I’m sure she’d be willing to set you up with one of the-”

“Spencer!”

He stopped when he realized tears were rolling down his friend’s face.

“Mer?”

He angrily let his hair down.

“The dress is mine, Spencer. I got it on sale back in August.”

He took a deep breath. Spencer wanted to run but was frozen to the spot.

“I’m transexual.”

“W-W-What does that even m-mean, Mer?”

He was hoping his friend would laugh at him, tell him he was joking, and punch him in the shoulder for believing it, but he didn’t. He stood firm.

“It means I’m actually a girl.”


	4. I'm Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merril realizes that she has a lot to learn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH I'M SORRY. I promise Merril suffers less after this chapter.

Watching him walk out of the door had crushed her. For him to look at her like that made her heart break. She understood that it was a shock, and she couldn't blame him for being surprised, but she really hoped that he'd at least let her explain! 

She angrily wiped the tears from her eyes. She hadn't even wanted to tell him yet. But him always referring to her with male terms was always painful, and him obviously trying to explain away why she had a dress had felt like he was ripping her heart out. In the end, she couldn't hide it anymore. And now she had lost him as a friend. She sunk to the floor as she started to cry, and it quickly became full-on sobbing.

"Mer, I'm ho-"

She heard the door slam and the sound of footsteps approaching her.

"Hey, what happened?"

She shook her head, unable to speak between sobs. 

"Is this about Spencer?"

She just nodded. Sammy just sighed and set his things down before kneeling to hug her.

"I'm sorry, Mer. I know you had high hopes for him."

He ran a hair through her hair, and after a few minutes, she finally managed to calm down. He pulled back, and she offered him a small smile. 

"Oh, why did you have to be gay?"

Sammy laughed.

"I'd be too perfect if I wasn't."

The two of them walked towards the kitchen.

"You're right. Alas, our romance was doomed from the start. Are we having tea?"

Sammy nodded.

"Yes, please. Did you know I had a huge crush on you as a freshman?"

"No way!"

The two of them continued, heartbreak forgotten for now.

Merril slowly made her way towards the address Nadia had given her, hyper-aware of her surroundings and clutching her bag. She rarely left her apartment in feminine clothing anymore, so the feeling was odd, to say the least. She was also very nervous. Nadia had said people would leave her alone if she kept to herself, but she found it hard not to be afraid. It wasn't until she was let in after being buzzed up that she finally let out a breath. She knocked on the door, and a moment later, a shorter, Hispanic girl with curly hair opened the door.

"Are you Natalie?"

Her gum-smacking punctuated her words. Merril nodded.

"You can just call me Merril."

The girl smirked.

"Welcome to the House of London, Merril. I'm Dolores."

The girl walked back inside, not even looking back to see if she followed.

"Leave your shoes at the door."

Merril stopped and removed her heels, placing them next to the other pairs lined up. Dolores kept walking, and Merril scurried to catch up. She suddenly stopped, and Merril slammed into her. She turned around to glare.

"Is that the potential new girl?"

Dolores pulled her so that she was standing next to her.

"Yes. Everyone say hello to Merril."

Several boys and girls, all of different sizes and ethnicities, gave her a greeting. They were all dressed casually, and Merril was starting to realize that she may have been over her head.

"Alright, Newbie. We're starting in twenty minutes, so get comfortable. Shane, show her somewhere to put her stuff."

A tall, willowy curly-haired boy nodded as he stepped forward.

"Sure. Come on."

He started to walk, and she followed. He led her down a long hallway. She wanted to ask what was going on, but she had a feeling she would be ignored if she did. Finally, he stopped at a door towards the end of the hall.

"This is my room. I'll be across the hall, so just knock when you've put on something more comfortable."

Merril nodded, and he shut the door behind him. She grabbed a pair of sweatpants and Sammy's 'Haven 1964' shirt and changed into them before exiting back into the hallway. She paused for a moment to take a breath before knocking on the door across the hall. The door swung open to reveal Shane straddling a brunette boy in glasses. They looked over at the sound of the creaking door, and Merril rubbed her hands together awkwardly.

"Sorry…"

Shane kissed the other boy before climbing off of him and walking over.

"Oops, sorry about that. Probably should have actually closed the door, huh?"

She wasn't sure how to respond, so she just nodded. The two walked in silence for a moment.

"Um, is he your boyfriend?"

Shane laughed.

"Used to be. We're just friends now."

Merril nodded, pushing down the questions she had.

"Oh, okay."

He turned around to face her but continued walking.

"What about you? Any love in your life?"

Merril found the floor fascinating all of a sudden.

"...I thought I did. Apparently, being a woman that was born a man is a deal-breaker."

The curly-haired boy nodded in sympathy.

"His loss, then."

He threw an arm around her shoulder.

"Good thing you're here. You're probably too fabulous for him anyway." 

She laughed lightly.

"I think you're right.'

As the two of them reached the room they'd been in, Merril was only mildly surprised to see that all the couches had been pushed back, leaving an open space. Shane pulled back.

"Good luck, Mer. I hope you make it."

With that, he slid back into the crowd. She turned back to Dolores. She nodded, and the lights shut off. A moment later, a spotlight shined on her.

"Mama Nadia says that your lip sync is to die for. Prove it.

A song started to pump from the speakers, and Merril nearly groaned. Really, Teenager In Love? She was lucky she had a routine to this. She played up the 'cute teenager' act, and even managed to get one of the boys to go along with her! She was rather proud as she purposely toppled into her ending pose. After a moment, snaps filled the air until Delores silenced it.

"We will now debate. Anyone who thinks Merril should be welcomed in, sit on the right. Anyone opposing sit on the left."

About seventy-five percent of the room went to sit on the right, which calmed her nerves a little. Still, there were people on the 'no' side…

"Now announcing: Mother Nadia London!"

Everyone stood, and Merril figured she should too. And quite frankly, she was glad she had. Nadia looked radiant. She couldn't take her eyes off of her even as the trial continued.

"-use of London?"

She blinked.

"I'm sorry?"

A few people giggled, including Nadia.

"Merril "Natalie" Fantastic, do you accept the offer to join The House of London?"

Merril paused.

"...so this was an audition to join your House?"

Nadia sighed.

"Dolores, I thought I told you to explain when she got here!"

The girl shook her head.

" You didn't."

Nadia waved a hand.

"I'll explain later. For now, do you accept our invitation?"

She thought about it. She had always said that she didn't want to do drag her entire life. However, it seemed as if she could belong here, and it at least looked as if they had a decent amount of money…

"I will. On one condition."

Several people started to grumble, but they were shh'd just as quickly.

"I am a transexual—a woman. And I want to be treated as one. If all of you-"

She scanned the crowd, attempting to look everyone in the eye.

"-can do that, I'm happy to join."

Everyone looked back at Nadia. After a moment, she nodded.

"Of course. It's no problem with me. And if someone gives you trouble, you come straight to me, or Delores if I'm not available for whatever reason."

She offered a hand, and Merril shook it. With that, the stereo was flipped on again, and everyone descended on her to greet her. There was Johnny, Stephanie, Emily, and many other people that she couldn't keep track of. Shane was also there, and he introduced her to his "friend" Micah, and his actual friends Erin, Nicky, and Bailey, the DJ. The entire group partied until dawn, celebrating their newest member.

Merril was practically walking on air as she locked her apartment door behind her. Last night's sleepover had been a dream, with everyone referring to her as the correct pronouns without any mocking whatsoever. She sighed happily as she made her way to her bedroom and flopped onto her head. She hadn't slept much last night, and she had nothing else planned, so a nap sounded great. She slid her heels off before curling up and falling into a dreamless sleep.

"-ril! You need to wake up right now! Merril!"

She blinked groggily.

"What?"

Sammy huffed in annoyance.

"Merril! Wake up! Now!"

She huffed.

"Five more minutes…"

Sammy yanked her up.

"Merril, it's from the Draft Board…"

Those bone-chilling words woke her up immediately.

"What? It can't be!"

Sammy winced as he handed her the letter.

"'Fraid so, Mer."

She tore open the letter, hoping against hope that the words would be different, but they weren't.

_‘Dear Sir,_

_I am writing to inform you, in relation to your liability to call-up for national service, that you are required, in accordance with the provisions of the National Service Act, to submit yourself to medical examination before a Medical Board…'_


	5. I Can Never Go Home Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During Danny's going away party, Spencer seeks advise, and gets it from a surprising source. Later on, his life is shifted entirely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised less suffering for Merril and I held up my end of the bargain! Though I made someone else suffer in exchange and I'm gonna be (rightfully) killed for it. The things we do for the plot.

“-I don’t really see the problem here, Spence. If she says she’s a girl, she’s a girl.”

Spencer tugged at his hair, frustrated. He’d asked Charlie because he was the only gay person he knew, but it wasn’t really getting him anywhere.

“Okay, sure, but why does h-she think that?”

Charlie shrugged.

“I don’t know, man. All I know is that some men like to _dress up_ as women, and some men _are_ women.” 

Danny nodded as if he’d said something profound.

“What he said!”

Danny was a little drunk.

Jeff took the drink out of his hands.

“I think that’s enough, Dan.”

He pouted but accepted it.

“Ish she preddy?”

Spencer, in his half-drunk state, paused to think about it.

“I think so.”

Several of the guys hooted, and he ducked his head to avoid it.

Joel, who was the closest, passed him a beer.

“Does someone have a crush?”

He sighed, irritated.

“No. Mind your own, Hall.”

Several boys laughed.

“Oh, I do. I mind her _real_ good.”

He tossed a pillow at him, which made everyone laugh louder. Charlie strolled over, snatched the pillow from Joel, and preceded to hit him with it.

“No one wants to hear about your sex life, Joel!”

Jeff sat next to him while everyone else was preoccupied with what was happening.

“I think that you know the answer that you’re seeking and that you’re avoiding it. Knock it off before you lose your friend forever.”

Damn it. Jeff had always been the person to see past any bullshit. He nodded sheepishly.

“Yeah, you’re right.”

Jeff gave him a small smile.

“I get why you’re confused. Nick was when I first told him-”

Spencer almost didn’t hear him at first.

“W-Wait, you’re-”

Jeff shh’d him.

“Not so loud! But yes, I am transexual. Just...Don’t tell anyone.”

He was floored.

“But you look-”

Jeff rolled his eyes.

“Stop right there. I was lucky. My parents were able to accept it.”

Jeff patted him on the shoulder as he stood up.

“Not really the time or place for this conversation. But we’ll talk...as soon as you get back in touch with Merril.”

Spencer nodded.

“I’ll let you know when that happens. Thanks, man.”

Jeff raised his drink before walking back over and tucking himself back under Nick. Nick kissed him on the forehead without even breaking from his conversation with Luke and Cyrus. Spencer couldn’t help but smile at them. Jeff was right. Suddenly, Danny laid his head in his lap.

“Spence. Can I tell you something?”

Spencer raised an eyebrow.

“Do you even have to ask?”

Danny nodded.

“Yourre righ. Listen. I’m scared. I dun wanna go.”

He had started to tear up, and Spencer’s heart broke at the sight. He ran a hand through his hair, the way Justin did.

“I know, buddy. It sucks.”

He missed Justin. He always knew what to say or do when someone was upset, and Spencer felt like a pale imitation. He knew that England was better for him, but he selfishly wished otherwise. 

Soon enough Danny had fallen asleep, and Marcus picked him up.

“This one has a flight in the morning, so I’ll take him home since it’s on my way. Thanks for the party.”

All Spencer could do was nod as Marcus slung him over his shoulder and walked out, giving everybody goodbyes. With the guest of honor gone, the party broke up after that. Everyone who was staying was given somewhere to sleep, while the people who were leaving helped clean. Nick and Jeff were the last to leave, with Jeff giving him a little wave as the door closed. 

Spencer walked into the kitchen to help Charlie with the dishes and found him on the verge of tears. He had barely able to keep it together all night, and now he was quickly cracking. Spencer threw an arm around him as the first sobs shuddered from his body. 

“I-I-I miss him, man.”

Spencer nodded in understanding as he escorted him to his bed. 

“I miss him too.”

Spencer sped across campus as soon as his Thursday afternoon class got out. Merril hadn’t answered his calls over the past two weeks, so this was the only thing he could think of to get hi- _her_ to speak to him. He was sure that his rejection had hurt her, and he wanted to make it better. As much as he was confused about how he felt about her, he missed her. He wanted his friend back. As he burst through the doors of the library doors, his hope turned to despair. Once again, she wasn’t here. He would have to come up with another plan. He made his way home, not wanting to stick around any longer. As he entered his apartment, he immediately noticed something was off. There were two empty bottles of whiskey. And while he knew it was Charlie’s drink of choice, he didn’t usually drink on weeknights, since he often had to work the next day. He ran to Charlie’s room and winced at the sight. There was Charlie, sobbing as he downed another bottle. He immediately dropped to his knees and tried to grab the bottle from him.

“Charlie! Charlie, we talked about this!”

Charlie, as strong as a bear, managed to push him back. 

“No! Justin is in England, Roland and Danny have gone to Vietnam, and now you-”

He dropped the bottle as he collapsed into sobs, Spencer had to move quickly to keep the bottle from shattering on the hardwood floor. Then he processed what Charlie had said.

“Me?” 

He asked in a trembling voice. But Charlie was out of it. He took the bottle into the kitchen to pour it out but spotted the letter on the table. He slowly approached it, filled with dread. 

And there it was. A letter from the Draft Board. Addressed to him. His hands trembled as he opened it.

_‘Dear Sir,_

_I am writing to inform you, in relation to your liability to call-up for national service…_

He picked up the bottle of whiskey, opened it, and downed the rest of the bottle. Then, he ran. He hadn’t had a specific destination, but he found himself in front of Merril’s apartment, He thought about leaving, but this was one of those signs Jesse was always talking about. He wasn’t even aware he knew where she stayed, but his feet had led him there anyway. With a deep breath, he entered and made his way to the elevator. Then he remembered what she had said about the elevator and made his way up the stairs. Eventually, he made his way to 806 and knocked on the door. Nothing happened for a while, and he was about to knock again when the door swung open to reveal a Hispanic boy with curly hair.

“Ah. You must be the _puta_ that broke my poor Merril’s heart.”

Spencer was confused. She hadn’t mentioned a boyfriend. Then it dawned on him. _Of course she hadn’t._

“Listen, I just want to talk to her. Is she here?”

If looks could kill, he was pretty sure he’d drop dead from the sheer power of the boy’s glare alone.

“It doesn’t matter if she’s here or not, because you’re not seeing her.”

Spencer nodded, defeated, and turned around.

“I get it.”

Then he turned back around and rushed past him. Hey, he hadn’t been the star defender on his school’s soccer team for three years for nothing. He ran through the apartment, avoiding the other boy before making it to Merril’s closed door and knocking on it.

“Merril! Let me in!”

There was a massive bang.

“Spencer? Wh-What in the world are you doing here?”

He banged on the door again.

“Merril! I was a massive idiot! I should’ve stayed, an-and listened to you, but instead, I ran! Because I was scared!”

The other guy glared daggers at him.

“I tried to keep him out. I’m sorry, Mer.”

Spencer wasn’t about to let himself get tossed out before he could finish his apology.

“I-I want to make it up! I’m sorry, Mer. Please let me in!”

The guy was so busy trying to drag him out that neither heard the click of the door unlocking.

“...Come in."


	6. The Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merril and Spencer finally talk. Unfortunately, seeing from each other's perspective is still a challenge. At least Merril is self-aware.

Merril watched the door open as Spencer scrambled inside.

“Hi, Spencer.”

He lifted her hand and kissed it, which made her blush.

“Merril. It’s good to see you.”

She nodded, lost for words. He sat on her floor, and she smoothed the imaginary wrinkles out of her skirt.

“You look beautiful.”

She ducked her head in embarrassment.

“Spencer, you...You don’t have to go overboard like this!”

He laughed lightly.

“Just trying to make up for lost time. I’ll stop.”

She nodded and took a deep breath.

“...You hurt me, Spencer. I wanted to explain. I was going to. But you left, and I thought I was never going to see you again.”

He winced.

"I know. I was just... confused."

She nodded.

"I get that. But it still hurt, and it took you over a month to even call!"

She hadn't realized how angry she was, but now it washed over her like a wave.

"And not only that, you were kind of homophobic."

He looked down in shame.

"I was. What I did wasn't right, and I don't deserve your forgiveness. But I am truly, sincerely sorry."

She nodded. Her anger left as soon as it had come. Damn his cute sincerity. 

"... okay. I forgive you."

He went to speak, but she held up a hand.

"But I don't know if I can trust you. Not right now."

She gave a humorless laugh.

"I...I was starting to really like you, Spencer."

Admitting it made her want to cry or hide. Girls didn't admit affection to boys; it wasn't proper. But she had never been a proper girl, she supposed.

"And now?" 

She looked into his eyes. Did he look... hopeful?

"I don't know."

H deflated a little but nodded in understanding.

"I'm glad you could forgive me, at least."

She smiled softly.

"I don't want to waste my days being angry. What have you been up to?"

"Oh, we had a party for my friend was drafted the night before he shipped out."

Merril flinched at the word 'draft.’ Spencer's gaze turned to a concerned one.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded.

"I'm okay. It's just... I've been drafted."

Spencer nodded.

"Oh, me too."

Merril was taken aback by how calm he was about it.

"Well, what are you gonna do?"

He shrugged.

"Enlist, I guess."

She looked at him for a second. Then, she laughed.

"Oh, that's a good one, Spencer."

He shook his head.

"It's not a joke. I'm going to fight."

Merril's laugh died abruptly.

“Spencer… So was all that protesting was because you were bored or something?”

He shook his head, furiously.

“No! I genuinely believe that we shouldn’t be involved in any war!”

She glared.

“Then why go fight? If you need someone to vouch for you getting Conteous Objectior status-”

His cold chuckle cut her off and quite frankly shocked her.

“Yeah, right. My father is a General. He talks all the time about how excited he is to live up to his legacy. He’d never allow it.”

She nodded in understanding. This was the wrong answer, apparently.

“Well, what are you gonna do? It’s not like you’re gung-ho about it either!”

Merril sighed.

"Go to Canada, I guess? That's what a few of my co-workers did."

Spencer shook his head.

"They won't let anyone through without proof you already served. Besides, wouldn't acting like a homosexual be easier?"

She tensed. Of all the questions…

"If I could act like a stereotypical _gay man_ , I wouldn't have been kicked out into the streets at fifteen."

She turned around, not about to let him see her cry.

"Merril-"

"I think you should go, Spencer."

She could sense that he wanted to argue, but for whatever reason, he let it go.

"Alright, see you later."

She heard him walk out of the room. A few seconds later, the front door closed. Seconds later, there was a knock on the door. She flopped on her bed, and the footsteps came closer.

"Oh, honey…"

Sammy's voice calmed her as he sat down next to her and started to run a hand through her hair.

"It's okay, just tell Mama Sam what the mean boy you're in love with did to you."

She groaned.

"I'm not in love with him!"

She could tell he was doing his best, but he still failed to hold back his snort.

"Right, right."

She sighed.

"Well, he started by apologizing…"

"... and then I told him to leave."

Shane, who had stretched out in Micah's lap, nodded thoughtfully.

"So, he's stupid."

She shook her head.

“No! First, Sammy, now you?”

Shane turned to Micah, who shrugged.

“He does sound a little stupid.”

She sighed.

“It’s not like we all knew everything about gender and sexuality when we first realized what it meant to be us. I don’t think it’s fair to immediately label him stupid for-oh, you two are the devil.”

Shane cracked up.

“Oh man, I’m so glad you realize that you’re being a little unreasonable.”

She sighed conceding.

“Yeah, okay, I was unfair.”

Shane raised his beer.

“There you go! I’m gonna get you a beer. We’re celebrating.”

Micah raised a hand, and Shane nodded.

"Yes, I'll get you an apple juice." 

He headed for the kitchen. Micah turned to Merril.

"So, what are you going to do?"

She shrugged.

"I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, I guess."


End file.
